


to bind our loves up in a holy band

by quick_ly



Series: one foot in sea and one on shore [1]
Category: Nothing Much to Do
Genre: F/M, Mentions of Sex, Pre-Relationship, a lot of beatrice being an idiot about her feelings, a lot of beatrice cursing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-14
Updated: 2014-07-14
Packaged: 2018-02-08 21:11:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1956285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quick_ly/pseuds/quick_ly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"She’s in a weird place right now." Beatrice trying and failing to handle her feelings. What else is new?</p>
            </blockquote>





	to bind our loves up in a holy band

**Author's Note:**

> This was written mostly because I had been patiently awaiting the "Nothing Much To Do" fic that hadn't come (until last night - big thanks to [Diaphenia](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1952337) for writing and sweet and lovely fic which I really adored, and also breaking the Nothing Much To Do fic-cherry. Anyway, I've been obsessing over this series for months now and have had no fic to talk to about it, which is not acceptable. So read this, and then other people should go and write something better, since I haven't written anything in over a year and am obviously a little rusty. (Or go read Diaphenia's fic, which is sweet and fabulous.) Also, if you haven't watched the show yet, [go fucking watch Nothing Much To Do!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rn57zw4--D0&list=PLgtRIWtmHefNSmhLGzm87bM6AKzWvD-ls) It is the literal cutest and sweetest webseries around, and also is way under-appreciated. 
> 
> Done without a beta, so the many mistakes that I'm sure are here are all mine! Title taken from Act 3, Scene 1 of Much Ado. Because I'm boring and also lazy

If Beatrice were to make a list of things currently occupying her mind, it would probably look something like this:

_Hero’s birthday present, Benedick is a scumbag, her upcoming math final, Benedick is the actual worst, how to make mojitos, she does not like Ben, remember to phone mum, how could she like Ben? Like seriously in what world would that actually happen?, make sure to start planning Hero’s party, why would she- why would the concept of liking Ben even enter anyone’s mind? Ever?, don’t forget you promised Pedro you two would hang this weekend, she does not like Ben, they should have more cupcakes in the house, Ben is a dick, just generally they need more sweets around, Ben has a dick, cause she fucking needs something sweet right now, Ben’s dick—_

… She’s in a weird place right now.

 

 

 

She sees him the day after filming her reaction video in class, hunched over his work like he actually gives a damn for the first time in his life, and has to like literally, physically restrain herself from staring at him all period. She just doesn’t… get it. Doesn’t get the appeal, doesn’t get why Hero, Ursula, and Meg would think he is anything other than awful. Doesn’t get him at all. She’s still processing the information, she knows that (and admittedly, hasn’t quite been able to grasp him in her equation of feelings at all -- most of her thoughts about recent revelations have been in regards to what the girls said about _her_ , rather than what he apparently feels. No, she is not trying to distract herself. That would be insane.)

Bea just… doesn’t get it at all. Why the fuck would he like her, in real life, for real? Like, she’s mean to him – often. She spends an awful lot of time thinking about ways to insult him ( _some_ would call it disproportionate – she calls it overachieving), and hasn’t once in the last three years said anything even remotely nice to him. She’s constantly putting him down, calling him names, making a fool of him in front of their friends – she’s honestly surprised he doesn’t hate her guts (in fact, that’s the reaction she had been expecting). Where… where would he find any kind of affection in that?

(It briefly occurs to her that, all those times they were fighting, he might have been actually really into her, but maybe couldn’t find a way to say how he really felt. It makes her feel pity – she doesn’t like it.)

And she doesn’t understand why anyone would like him – _ever_ , what with his being the biggest dick to ever grace Messina High School. What could a person possibly see in him? He’s barely funny (if you’re into really dumb obvious jokes that literally anybody could come up with), not at all bright (reading excessive mango studies does not equate brain-power… even if she does it), the least-nice person she’s ever met (unless you’re his chosen friend for however long he likes you, then he fucking treats you like royalty), a terrible dancer (that’s… that’s totally relevant), and probably the least attractive person she’s ever met (unless you like that tall, gangly type, with rich dark hair and a British accent and an encyclopedia-mind of nerd related things… which she’s totally not into).

Really, she can’t even – _ugh_ – she can’t even think about him in that context at all, it is literally too completely disgusting for her to even handle. Like, she could die in this moment from thinking about it. Die, right there, in class, with him only a couple seats away from her.

(Ben looks up at her from his work then, locking eyes and giving her this face that… she can’t even comprehend, like he is half-in love with her, half-disgusted by her (only – _also not?_ ). And she wants to tell him to fuck off, give him the finger and grunt and get back to her work, but there’s just something about the look in his eyes, something about _him_ , and she just ends up going slightly weak in the knees, taking in a huge breath, and rushing back down to her work.

She can feel his eyes on her for a couple more seconds. _Whyyyyyyy_ is this happening?)

 

 

 

Beatrice tries to film this week’s video that night.

“So, it’s been a pretty mellow few days, I’d say. Not a lot going on. You know, not really all that much to vid about, unfortunately.”

She looks off to the side, trying to think of something, anything to talk about that doesn’t include Ben (the main object of her mind at present – whatever), and just sighs. She evidently should have planned this a little better.

“The weather has been pretty nice, lately,” she starts, forcing a smile. “Hasn’t been too hot, which is always… good, I think.”

The camera just stares at her. She decides on not uploading this one.

 

 

 

“Hey, how’d you meet Benedick again,” Beatrice asks Pedro while they’re hanging out later that week. (Watching _Breaking Bad_ and eating popcorn. Riveting, she knows.) She’s been mulling over the question for a few hours, sadly unable to get Ben out of her mind (which is… whatever; she doesn’t want to fucking talk about it), and finally asks once they’ve been silent for some time.

“You know, just through school, I guess,” Pedro says casually, taking a piece of popcorn and looking intensely at the television (there’s something about the way he answers that seems off, but she can’t quite place it). “We were just in the same year, you know, and got on real well, and then we had this weird… blood pact thing. Crazy childish antics, you know the sort. Why?”

“No reason,” she says, looking down and playing with her nails. She doesn’t actually have a real, legit reason as to why she would be curious about how they met, except that she kind of just wants to be talking about him, since Ben is literally the only thing occupying her headspace at the moment. (Which… thinking this, it dawns on her that he actually _is_ like the only thing she’s talked to Pedro about the last few times they’ve hung out, but that was always just insulting him, and now that seems… she suddenly has less to say on that particular front). “Guess I just wanted to know if he was a dick then as well, or if it’s a relatively new thing, s’all.”

Pedro does her the courtesy of not pointing out that none of what she just said makes any actual sense at all (since way back in the day when they had just met, Bea got on with Ben better than anyone), just nods his head while making a face and turns back to the show, and Bea is left with her hand in the popcorn bowl, her plan to talk about Benedick thwarted.

Walter White is doing something stupid, and Beatrice can feel herself going crazy.

 

 

 

She makes a second attempt at this week’s video.

“ _Helloooo_ everyone,” Bea starts with a big wave. “So I just thought it would be, you know really… good for me to make this video and just like, clear the air and all. You know, so we can all be on the same page, and be happy, and not have to worry about… people we don’t like. At all. Even a little, teeny tiny bit.”

“So I just want to reiterate, right here on camera for all you lovely viewers, that I do not, under _any_ circumstances, like Ben. Not as a friend, not as a classmate, most certainly not as a – person. You know I thought about it, processed recent information, and unsurprisingly came to the conclusion that nope, he is not the one for me, no siree.”

“I know that it must come as a relief to you all that I’ve come out with a full answer to this one, as I’m sure you have all spent the past week anxiously wondering how I feel about Benedick, since I’m positive none of you have anything better to do than to speculate what me, that girl you watch on the internet, thinks about dickface. But, rest assured dear viewers, absolute nothing has changed. I feel the exact same way towards Ben as I did last week – which is to say, I hate him. That’s all there is to it.”

The camera stares at her, as if it can tell that she’s lying. Bea feels the need to justify herself.

“Alright fine, I will admit that he might not be the worst person in the world, and yeah maybe in the past I’ve been a little – tiniest bit, smallest possible – mean to him. Ok, I recognize now that it probably wasn’t necessary of me to be quite so harsh on him, and I do feel for the guy; I’m sure he is going through a weird time right now, but unfortunately, that’s not my problem.”

Beat. The camera stares.

“And, okay, yeah, fine. You know, if I like, met him at a party, and I didn’t know him and it was just us talking and laughing and just getting to know each other, then yeah, I might be into him. You know, like yeah, I’d probably like him, cause we have a lot in common and we used to get on, and he… he can be funny and charming and… kind of cool, in like a really boyish sort of way. And if I didn’t know him I might be… sort of attracted to him, cause like it’s not as though he’s ugly or anything, you know? I’ve never thought that.”

The camera just goes on staring. Beatrice feels like she might have a heart attack.

“But that’s _not_ our situation. I already know him, know he’s a dick, and that’s never going to change. No matter how… not terrible he might… No. I hate him. I _hate_ him. Nothing in this world could possibly get me to think anything else, ever. So sorry world, but my mind is not changing.”

Bea is breathing harshly when she stops talking, a weird feeling of anger and desire and… she doesn’t know what the fuck else, but something else is there. The camera is giving her a look now like it’s pitying her, like she’s some sad pathetic lump of a person who can’t even handle her own feelings.

Unsurprisingly, she doesn’t upload this on either.

 

 

 

Last night she had a sex dream about Ben.

She doesn’t want to talk about it.

 

 

 

(She just keeps on fucking remembering how Ben was only fourteen when… whatever it was that happened with them went down, and that actually, logically, it probably doesn’t make sense to still be angry at him four years later. That it’s in all likelihood a little silly to imagine that he hasn’t at all matured, that the perspective he had on girls at fourteen would be the same as his perspective now. That there’s no rule saying that you aren’t allowed to make a mistake, realize over the course of several years that you were pretty wrong, and decide to change your stance on it. Bea knows these things – she’s not an idiot.

The problem, though, is that when she starts to think about it like that – when she starts to consider possibly forgiving him for the actions of his younger self – then it starts to be about how she, the Beatrice of today, actually feels about him, without any of the anger and betrayal that’s been driving her feelings about him for years. Because, without all that… how would she feel about him? If Bea were to take away all of that, if it was just him as a person… she doesn’t know right off the top of her head, but if Bea is being honest, she’s sure she wouldn’t hate him. What she said in her video was right; if Bea were to meet him now, without any of her old anger, they probably would get on, and if she’s being even more honest, she probably would fall for him. She knows it wouldn’t be that insane an idea; they have a ton in common, both have pretty similar perspectives on relationships, obviously are attracted to the same kinds of people in terms of friends, and it’s not… it’s not like she’d mind making out with him, if she’s viewing him from a purely aesthetic perspective.

But then, if Bea isn’t angry at him anymore, and she admits that she does, kind of like him … what the hell does that mean?)

 

 

 

Alright, so if – _if_ – in some alternate universe, she did kind of, sort of, maybe like him the tiniest bit, what exactly would she do about it? What would they do about it? Would they be like Hero and Claudio, always hanging off each other, worried that the other might die if they’re separated for even five minutes? Would they make stupid make-up tutorial videos where they are hideously adorable and make out on camera, and inadvertently make everyone watching feel slightly uncomfortable? Would they fucking hold hands?

She already knows the answer to all of those (while there may currently be some confusion regarding how Bea and Ben feel about each other, there’s absolutely nothing to indicate that they would magically turn into Hero and Claudio), except for maybe the last one, which doesn’t seem quite as terrible as previously imagined; while she’s still not too keen on the idea of hand-holding itself (clammy hands, goddammit), she will concede that it might not be terrible to have the option of resting on another person’s limb if needed (depending, of course, who that person is), and would even consider volunteering her own limbs once in a while. Yet at the same time, Bea’s not sure what she and Benedick would look like as a couple. In theory, obviously.

She supposes  they would spend more time together, which isn’t saying a lot, since right now they mostly only interact in class (and occasionally when forced to hang out). They’d probably study together, but also… do other things? Like, hang out and watch movies and, whatever, just shoot the shit? She guesses they could do whatever they wanted. Would they just… talk? About what? Just, what they did that day, what they plan to do the next? God, so basically they’d just be friends? Literally, it would just be the same as her and Pedro, or her and Ben before. The only difference would be…

(She can imagine them hanging out around the tables at school with Pedro and the boys, Ben sitting high up on the top and her resting a head on his knee, laughing at something idiotic he’s just said. Walking home from class, their hands touching and bumping but not strictly clasped together (because that’s still pretty gross), discussing and debating and just _talking_ (and at some point he tries to jump on her back, which obviously turns out spectacularly bad, but ends with him carrying her on _his_ back, complaining the entire times about how much he fuckin’ hates it, but there’s also this wide smile on his face). Watching terrible movies together on the weekends in his room, making fun of the scenes and the actors and all that shit, and at some point their knees bump or his hand falls onto her leg or whatever, and Bea whispers ‘fuckin’ perv’ as she’s climbing on top of him, and he goes right on for a kiss as his hand squeezes her ass, and she grinds down on him and–)

Beatrice is sitting in her room, a hand going to wipe away the sweat rolling down her face.

“Fuck,” she breaths.

 

 

 

Ok, this is it. She’s doing it this time. She’s getting it done.

“Hey everyone.  So, I’ve been trying to film this video all week, but I haven’t really… I just don’t know how to do it. You know, it’s just been sort of weird the last couple days, what with what Hero and them all said about me, and you know… other stuff. But I’ve decided that there is no point in denying things, or hiding from them, and that if I want things to be different, I’m going to have to start changing them.”

Bea takes a deep breath; the camera, as per usual, stares condescendingly.

“Alright, now just to be clear, it’s not as though I suddenly like Ben now and want to make out with him and have his babies. That would be ridiculous, and it would be insane for me to change my mind so quickly. It’s just, well… I don’t exactly _don’t_ like him, or wouldn’t mind some of those things…”

Beat. Bea realizes she’s made a mistake.

“Just the making out, you know. I have no intention of having his babies. I mean, I’m only seventeen.”

 

 

 

She settles for this one. Mostly just cause it’s Tuesday night. 


End file.
